But partnership still lingers…

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Love I’ve known.
Romance I’ve experienced.
Lust I’ve wrestled.
But partnership still lingers far off in the distance.

Attention I’ve obtained.
Love letters I’ve received.
Desire I’ve delighted in.
But partnership still lingers despite my persistence.

My soul rests in the hope of “one day”.
Knowing all this couldn’t be just for me.
My heart seeks a complimentary melody.
And the perfection of completion we could be.

Companions I’ve had.
Commonalities I’ve shared.
Chemistry I’ve found.
But partnership still lingers and seems resistant.

My soul knows it will meet its match.
Making clear it’s interests and needs.
My heart awaits the warmth of its partner
And the perfection of completion we could be.

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My current view…

Lord, that I might not take for granted, not even for a moment, the peace I’ve been granted, the stillness of this season, and the freedom that I’ve come to cherish.

Though my questions remain unanswered and my hopes remain in waiting, my heart is at rest in your sweet, sovereign hands.

And even when I wake early in the morning, moving about my day as if I had a clue, the truth is the only thing I know is you.

My insecurities like the tides, rising in the darkness and lowering in the light of day.
My hopes like the boats that dock in shallow water & set sail in the ocean’s depth.

You guide me in your silence, singing softly in the scenarios that leave me here wanting you.
You gently remind me, in the things ripped from my pit bull grip, that you are in control.

Lord, that I might not take for granted, not even for a moment, the peace I’ve been granted, the stillness of this season, and the freedom I’ve come to cherish.

peace peace

even when there is much to be burdened with and even more to be frustrated by, i find that i am alright. you have made me alright.

even though there is chaos on all sides and waves that could overpower giants, i find that i am secure. you have made me secure.

you speak whispers of hope and hum tunes of serenity within my being and i find that i am loved. you have made sure that i am loved.

i sing you songs of desperation, followed by hymns of adoration and i find that i am awaited. you have set me here and now i am awaited.

i sing myself to sleep and dream dreams of your plans for us all and i find that you are generous. you have been more than generous.

today may hesitate, but none the less, tomorrow awaits and i find that you are working in my tomorrow. you have my tomorrow in your hand.

peace peace. she is becoming when she is becoming more and more like who he intended. she is being and that is enough for now.

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on the road to Somewhere…*

i once had a friend ask me if i was jealous of the woman he’d chosen. he had been single for years, we’d been close, the answer was no. the women in his life, that he suspected of jealousy, were essentially mourning the moment of not being chosen. i didn’t want to be with him, but i was growing weary of singleness and becoming discouraged in the absence of my own partner.

this other fellow i know came in all casual and cool, slow in acknowledging our chemistry. we laughed, we dove into conversation, we always had a really great time. i saw his nervousness, his restraint, his curiosity, his adrenaline pumping when i was near, but i also witnessed the intoxication of his current state of comfort. i chose to let him in, give him a piece of my mind, and offer up a portion of my time. he decided to stay sedentary, watching me from the sidelines. i chose to keep on moving.

i walked through the church doors in hopes of meeting my match. casual handshakes, names exchanged, and “so glad to meet you, so very glad to meet you”. they watched me walk in, they watched me walk out, and rarely lifted their eyes to at least engage. all the printed signs spoke of a potential connection and a desire to know me, but it was taking too long… way too long. they also seemed sedentary, but they paid me no mind and didn’t even watch from the sidelines. i chose to keep on moving.

i do not hesitate to state that i have a deep desire to be chosen. it would be silly to claim otherwise. just as i’d hoped for him to be motivated by our connection enough to make a move, i desired them to be motivated by my decision to show up time & time again enough to let me in. but their hesitancy to choose has forced me to move. i continue in hope and not in desperation. i will one day find and also be found, i have no doubt. but these things take time… opportunity and action will one day align.

Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation.

I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner.

Psalm 119:29-30


*Respost (still on sabbatical)

the stress of sobriety*

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Dave Barry

i’ve been writing about religion and the protestant western church for years now. if i had to take a guess, i’d say at least 10 years.  i was raised to not see the Church just as it is, but also as it is intended to be.  this is the very thing that breeds inner conflict, but this is also the very thing that saved my life.

as i looked back, i realized that i’ve spent many of my years in leadership trying to get people to stay in their church.  i wasn’t the only one.  as leaders, many of us grit our teeth in public and shout in the privacy of our cars.  we are conflicted with the institutionalization of the Church.  very few speak up, since our salaries, positions, titles, and reputations are possibly at stake.  we speak our convictions in dark corners and convince ourselves that God will change the hearts of men, the men in charge.  we keep peace for the good of the whole and we sip on the wine of “one day we will see breakthrough.”

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

George Bernard Shaw

there are many different “wines” that we sip to stay happy & motivated.  the wine of “human ambition and the exhilaration of ladder climbing”, the wine of “there is a reward waiting for me at the end of this”, the wine of “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, the wine of “i am blessed as long as i stay faithful”… there are many different flavors, being grown in different vineyards with different elements and influences, but they all come from the same fruit source.

“They hit me,” you’ll say, “but it didn’t hurt; they beat on me, but I didn’t feel a thing. When I’m sober enough to manage it, bring me another drink!”

Proverbs 23:35 Msg

i was a drunkard for nearly two decades.  i was wasted on misplaced hope.  i was intoxicated on insecurity and ignorance.  but i stepped away.  it took more than 28 days.  i took on sober living in solitude.  eventually, i found others that were doing the same.  we held each other accountable and we encouraged each other in the Truth.  i was aware of the present condition of both myself and the Church… i was sober.

there is stress in being sober.  there is a pain in being awake and aware.  there is a responsibility that comes with clear vision and self-control.  it’s not easy being a designated driver.  it’s not so simple to show up sober and leave sober when you shake hands and hug others that reek of wine.  i maintain sobriety for the journey… one day at a time.

Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  1 Peter 1:13 KJV

on the local Church… my fair weather friend*

i would like to include a chapter on “the Church: a fair weather friend” in my “one day to be released” book about the Insecure Church. [Don’t steal that!] i am not alone in my experiences. i am not a special case or a rarity. i’ve heard the stories of the sinners and the saints… all forgotten and some even discarded. in serving for over 15 years as a church leader, i’ve experienced both the process of leaving a local fellowship and being shunned by a local fellowship.

the Church likes to sell itself as a family, perhaps under obligation, but many haven’t experienced the follow through of that. whether we chose to or were unable to serve any longer at the local church, the once evident need for us was severed. the phone calls stopped. the invitations ceased. the holiday wishes were non-existent. it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s become par for the course. it can feel as though you were loved because you served them. you were appreciated because you assisted in their mission and vision. you were counted because you were a servant. you were included because you got the job done… for free in most cases. these statements may not be truth, but they are the honest struggle of many.

I’ve dealt with it and processed my emotion & frustration, but i wonder if the local church knows that this is her m.o. i am curious if she realizes that she is in direct violation when she instills in us the importance of fellowship and accountability and then ostracizes us without a single conversation.

it seems to me that family is family regardless of vicinity or effort.

fair weather family? it’s not possible.

the Church, to many, has been a fair weather friend.

*originally posted January 4, 2010

Group Blogging Project- James 2 (The Exclusive Church)

I am once again afforded the privilege of contributing to a group blogging project over at BibleDude.net This study series is on the epistle of James.

Check out my post on James 2: favoritism, exclusion, segregation & The Church.

http://bibledude.net/epistle-of-james-chapter-2/

have we considered that many of the same folks rejected by us have also been rejected by the world? it leaves me wondering… who else then will love them, welcome them, and truly see the worth and beauty within them?