on Silence…

i found myself nearly caught… on the verge of asking God to withhold mercy from another.

i found myself in tears, broken & disappointed… on the brink of seeking my own revenge.

i pictured myself with the upper hand, whipping them into shape, plotting their demise.

i pictured them reasoning with me, remorseful for their actions, pleading for my sympathy.

i stopped myself.  i couldn’t continue on this path.

i petitioned to God, “seek vengeance Lord, for they have caused me much pain”.

silence.

i petitioned him again, “break their heart and let them see what they’ve done. i am innocent.”

silence.

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.

But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things.

I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.

Jeremiah 17:9-10

silence.

tears ran down my face.

sweet, salty tears.

my heart was broken because i long for a defender.

my heart was torn because i seek mercy, but wanted it withheld from another.

they are not my enemy.

they are not my friend.

they are who they are and i have no definition of them.

Christ’s prayer was very different than mine…

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Luke 23:34

Christ’s prayer wasn’t prayed in self righteous arrogance,

but in compassion for their consequence.

i have received much mercy.

i have been shown much grace.

i have felt love deeply and extravagantly.

so if i have pain, if i experience persecution, or am rewarded with ridicule…

i am reminded of Your love and pushed to remain as You do until we get it right…

in silence.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

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  • Comments (10)
    • Tassie
    • May 3rd, 2010

    Once again…. you did it…. you verbalized it so eloquently. You are amazing…. those are real words that need to be read every day… taken to heart…. and lived out. Thank you for bringing it to the forefront of my mind.
    Tassie

      • JuliaKate
      • May 5th, 2010

      glad you have taken those words that He spoke to heart. and thank you, as always, for your encouragement;)

    • BernaLee
    • May 4th, 2010

    While silent, I too listen for my heart to be examined, experience grace and mercy, and leave the consequences to time passed – believing all the while for God to have His precious way!

      • JuliaKate
      • May 5th, 2010

      hmm… “precious way!”? sounds like a double meaning to me, lol;)

  1. i am silent.

    • Liz
    • May 4th, 2010

    Very nice Julia. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

  2. Wow! I am speechless. That was so well said! I’ve got to re-post that for others.

      • JuliaKate
      • May 5th, 2010

      thanks for visiting the blog and thanks again for the repost;)

  3. “i long for a defender”… me too. and while i know, cognitively, that He defends me, i wish i felt/saw/experienced it more than i do.

    so i guess what my heart really means is “i long to feel defended.”

      • JuliaKate
      • May 5th, 2010

      this issue runs deep for me… i was just discussing with my roommate last night that i have always longed for someone to defend me, or more like you said, to feel defended. i am the youngest in my family, the only girl, and for some interesting reason, have often found myself surrounded by stubborn hard men. the prayer i most often prayed was “God soften their heart. let them see me how you see me. show them that the way they are treating me is wrong.” etc. etc. i had to let it go. we have no guarantee that people will change, we do have a promise that God is with us through it all… so that’s what i am endeavoring to cling to.
      thanks for stopping by Alece. your presence is always welcome. i hope to have the chance to meet you when you make your way out to SoCal;)

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