the shadow of normalcy

27 Dec 2006

the shadow of normalcy

 

I can feel the shadow of normalcy creeping up behind me.  It was here before me and I had no idea how strong it would be around me..gaining ground everyday, it will never have its place within me.  This is a part of me that I am not inclined to share.  The part that works itself out without your opinion or advice.  The part that I fear you will not understand.  The part that keeps my head up when the pressure is weighing heavily and the part that makes my heart beat rapidly when everyone else is cool and calm.  

I take issue with more than you have approximated.  So many things grieve me and cause me to excercise grace.  I don’t share it.  I keep it and hope…for a change.  It is provoked so regularly and often keeps me from worry about the regular things like others.  Money, mistakes, relationships, romance, career, pretty things, fashion, cars,…titles, recognition, position, wealth…I can not begin to explain how I feel about them.  And I am not sure that I ever will. 

This season provokes my passions to the surface.  The happiness that things seem to bring at this time blows me away.  I was almost there.  So close to feeling comfortable with what once represented neglect to me.  I don’t want this stuff.  I don’t need the extravagance.  I am beautiful and worth so much without it.  It doesn’t make me more credible, important or even more desirable.  It just makes me more accessorized, more to get through in order to get my core.  I have no need of it.

These kids in South Africa were smiling…I was crying.  I had become comfortable and almost forgot what it was like to have a burning cause.  I would move tomorrow to help their cause.  But I am here out of obediance and perhaps even much more.  I am searching for a cause, a burning cause right here in my little world.  Normalcy has been warned and passion has taken its rightful place again.  My heart will burn and I’ll be a freak in my own country. 

When I was there I awoke everyday with a mission…when I prayed, I had hope that would bring me to tears…a vision for a people that I had fallen in love with.  When I walked those streets my smile was an invitation…”I am wanting to love you” and when I met another our conversation was a bridge…adjoining our 2 worlds, hoping for a relationship that would be God-appointed.  Every single day, every single person, every single conversation without exaggeration.  I can have that here.  I must identify the mission and begin the day in that way again.  Otherwise its all a waste. 

I have fought my heart for months now, trying so very hard to quiet the rumbles and the burning..picture a volcano.  That’s my most accurate description.  Perhaps this is all a bunch of rubbish, oddly formed paragraphs lacking detail or clarity…truth be told, I am just relieved to see it and hear it in my head tonight.  It doesn’t need to make sense…it just needs to be done. 

And now I can rest in the work I will begin…I am more comfortable on fire than in any other state.  This fire keeps me warmed and perhaps tonight I will finally sleep without interruption of the cop-outs and false hopes. I will find that total reliance again.  I will find myself desperately seeking His movement in this land of the sleeping.  I will find Him here…in me, around me, before me and behind me.

 

 

Currently listening :
The Californian
By Bob Schneider
Release date: 08 August, 2006
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