Its gonna be worth it all…I believe it.

10 Aug 2006

Its gonna be worth it all…I believe it.

There is a certain quietness that I am feeling these days…I don’t want to discuss or share.  I even hesitate to write.  There is just so much and I am amazed at how well He cares for me and secures me in the midst of the shifting ground. 

So many realizations are surfacing this week.  I figured out a certain truth that I had refrained from expressing…I would love to remain, but just long enough so those that I love and have need of would somehow make their way over to my side of the world and see my journey first hand for just even a brief moment.  I don’t want it to end with no one knowing.  How could I even begin to express the journey He has taken me on? 

I could compare it to this: its as if I had fallen in love with a wonderful man and we were in an intimate relationship for nearly 2 years and then I had to leave that, for whatever reason, and my family and closest friends never had the chance to meet him. How could I even begin to express the love that we had shared?  Could they really know him through a few pictures, some blogging and and my story telling?  They could not.  I return alone in my love…in love with the thing that those that I love most never knew nor experienced.  I will find comfort in the reminder that I forever have this experience to share with the Holy Spirit…He was with me through it all and became my sole dependence. 

It reminds me of one of my favorite John Mayer songs, 3×5. 

You should have seen
that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You’ll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3×5’s

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin’ to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it
when I’m in the mood

This time can not be fully expressed or explained.  I am understanding that and allowing God to prepare me to just Be who I have become as opposed to trying to explain why I have become who I have become.  The true joy is in the fruit anyway and if stories remain untold, then so be it.  They will forever be our stories.

I can also say this, I hesitate to return because I am unsure of the specifics that so many are curious of.  Like the idea of what I will do upon returning for employment or service.  I have no worries when it comes to the subject, but that is who I have become and perhaps it would take 5 or 6 stories for some to understand how I came to this point.  I genuinely feel completely out of control and this is the most secure place I know of to be.  I said yes.  I say yes everyday.  I either fear Him or I don’t.  If I don’t then I die a slow tortuous death (yes I mean tortuous and not torturous).  If I do then I truly live.  There is no question of occupation for me.  I am extremely occupied with His plans and His assignments.  He will of course have a plan for California and my job is to go when He says.  I don’t have to understand it.  I don’t have to be deserving of it.  I don’t have to be anything but willing.  And that I am.  So where would the worry fit into this scenario.

I picked this Rita Springer song…it brings tears every time.  Such honesty in her words…she speaks for me.  I don’t understand His ways, none the less i give Him my song and all of my praise.  He takes my pain and draws me in closer to Him through it.  I am on a journey desperately seeking out my God and His will…its gonna be worth it.   He’s worth it…its all I have to give…its all He really wants.
I look forward to the love and friendship that i will meet in California.  But along with it will come the continuance of this journey.  This journey can not guarantee more good times than bad, an absence of suffering, or a decrease of sacrifice.  But it does guarantee this…”Its gonna be worth it all”.  And I believe this.  I completely rely on this. 
See you on the filpside!


Currently listening :
By Rita Springer
Release date: 20 August, 2002
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: